No matter how hard I try I can't stop thinking of the big 'M', Marriage! I have been with Robbie nearly 7 years so it's only natural to wonder when the big question will be popped? I love him and he loves me, and we're in a defacto relationship so I mean it's only words on paper getting married. And as happy as I am will him, I still can't help daydreaming of my Wedding.
It's not like it's going to be a big surprise, it's not one of those relationships where your not sure your going to be together forever, it's not one of those that you sit there imagining what your future holds for the partnership, is there kids, house, travels?
Nope we've past those stages. So I guess maybe the girl in me finally wants her magical day, or that the Mum in me wants to share the same last name as her baby, or it might just be that yeah I love him so much, I want to show and share it with my close friends and family for just one day.
I want to be a bit vain and have a day totally about me, because no offence guys the wedding is usually always about the bride. I wonder what type of wedding I will have? Flowers? Cake? Bridesmaids? Children at the Wedding? Photography? Will it be personalised and cliche? Who will come? What seating charts I will have? What kinds of Hens night will be thrown? Will the guys have some respect for me and actually not have strippers like I asked? Will I be stressed? How much money will it cost? Will people travel for me? Will everyone put aside their differences for one day for mine and Robbie sakes?
Oh so much to wonder about, I'm one of those super organised people and am really stubborn I like things my way, and I stress if I'm slightly worried it won't. It's not even just weddings I think about this, it's all the time!
I know I shouldn't worry myself until a situation occurs, but I like to be pre empt in case the worst of the worst strikes...
With family I'm that person who has to warm up, I usually walk in with a sullen mood already in place, that way if I get the shits I'm already there, there is no expectations if I'm already shitty, and usually it works for me because things only get better from a shitty mood. On the odd occasion it just gets worst!
Apparently this is not so new for me, my mother said I wasn't a very smiley toddler, so I think I was just born in a mood and it always stuck. And then I think it may have just been the life I've lived so far that can make me so moody. Has anyone noticed how manners have gone out the window. No one has time to stop and help anyone anymore, and if they do, there is always a hidden motive!!!
Even though I'm a moody woman, I'm fairly nice to strangers. I usually offer a helpful hand if I see someone struggle and when I was working, I gave the listening ear. Most of the time people just want to be heard, actually listened too. In your life do you have someone who will listen to you and not judge but just offer a friendly ear and a little social chatting??
Thankfully I do.
Sorry guys and gals, more of a ramble. I'm in a place at the moment where my wires are being crossed and I got so much running through my head. Hopefully banging out a few of the things I'm thinking will make room for more simple things like what am I cooking for dinner?
I should get onto that so TATA :/
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
I can't Imagine
I've been watching the news of late and watched a few movies with all the same themes, and I just don't understand why a parent would want to cause harm to their own child.
As a brand new Mummy, my world completely changed when I give birth, not only was it the most euphoric experience I've ever had but with it came the instant realisation that if anything happened to this tiny human being I would forever be at lost. Once my boy arrived I could never imagine my life without him, so whilst much happiness came with a child, a certain amount of sadness comes with it as well.
THE WORRY, for their health and safety and happiness, I mean I don't sit there day in and day out stressing about what could go wrong but it sits in the back of your mind! A little alert, that's what part of loving and caring for someone entails don't you think? It's not all but it is a certain role as a mother or even parent, grandparent, godparent etc etc.
So the point being is just how can any one in their right 'bloody' mind want to cause harm to a baby, a child or even a person. How can these people want to be parents if they just want to throw it around like a rag doll and more importantly why are we letting them get away with it!
Take a moment to seriously think, everyone knows someone or someone of someone who shouldn't have kids, you hear the stories all the time through friends or family, don't you. And when you hear it, you judge, not because you want to but because you need to for the sake of the child.
My heart goes out to all the victims of a abuse, unfortunately it's a vicious cycle.
In a movie I watched the mother had one of her children taken away to foster care and the other two ran away, by the time she got it together enough to want them, they're were in an accident and died. She was beside herself. I sympathised because it's terrible but another part of me felt she had no right to feel like that after what she had already done to them.
(We all know it's a movie, but this happens all the time in real life every where!)
Sometimes we are selfish and there is the good kind, like indulging in some chocolate or having a drink and then there's the bad kind, which you don't need me to detail.
At the end of today I just held my baby close to my heart, literally had him on my chest and I snuggled in close to him, I made sure that he knew he was safe in my arms, warm and cozy, I showed him love and affection and told myself in my head not to forget this moment, not to forget that they're just to precious to waste time on the petty stuff.
Have your moment with your loved ones, it's doesn't matter if your not a parent, maybe you have a brother or sister, a mum or dad, a partner or cousin, even a lovable pet. Just have a moment with them and remember that for some of us we have the good life with Lot's of love and just because of that we are truly blessed.
Happiness doesn't come from a box, a present or shop, it really comes from those unexpected things.
In today's society we can sometimes forget that, so this is just your little reminder!!!
A little Love from me today if your reading this right now, a little soppy but hey someone needs to bring that smile to your face :D
Bless all the little babies and children and teens out there, please try not to feel despair xx
As a brand new Mummy, my world completely changed when I give birth, not only was it the most euphoric experience I've ever had but with it came the instant realisation that if anything happened to this tiny human being I would forever be at lost. Once my boy arrived I could never imagine my life without him, so whilst much happiness came with a child, a certain amount of sadness comes with it as well.
THE WORRY, for their health and safety and happiness, I mean I don't sit there day in and day out stressing about what could go wrong but it sits in the back of your mind! A little alert, that's what part of loving and caring for someone entails don't you think? It's not all but it is a certain role as a mother or even parent, grandparent, godparent etc etc.
So the point being is just how can any one in their right 'bloody' mind want to cause harm to a baby, a child or even a person. How can these people want to be parents if they just want to throw it around like a rag doll and more importantly why are we letting them get away with it!
Take a moment to seriously think, everyone knows someone or someone of someone who shouldn't have kids, you hear the stories all the time through friends or family, don't you. And when you hear it, you judge, not because you want to but because you need to for the sake of the child.
My heart goes out to all the victims of a abuse, unfortunately it's a vicious cycle.
In a movie I watched the mother had one of her children taken away to foster care and the other two ran away, by the time she got it together enough to want them, they're were in an accident and died. She was beside herself. I sympathised because it's terrible but another part of me felt she had no right to feel like that after what she had already done to them.
(We all know it's a movie, but this happens all the time in real life every where!)
Sometimes we are selfish and there is the good kind, like indulging in some chocolate or having a drink and then there's the bad kind, which you don't need me to detail.
At the end of today I just held my baby close to my heart, literally had him on my chest and I snuggled in close to him, I made sure that he knew he was safe in my arms, warm and cozy, I showed him love and affection and told myself in my head not to forget this moment, not to forget that they're just to precious to waste time on the petty stuff.
Have your moment with your loved ones, it's doesn't matter if your not a parent, maybe you have a brother or sister, a mum or dad, a partner or cousin, even a lovable pet. Just have a moment with them and remember that for some of us we have the good life with Lot's of love and just because of that we are truly blessed.
Happiness doesn't come from a box, a present or shop, it really comes from those unexpected things.
In today's society we can sometimes forget that, so this is just your little reminder!!!
A little Love from me today if your reading this right now, a little soppy but hey someone needs to bring that smile to your face :D
Bless all the little babies and children and teens out there, please try not to feel despair xx
Friday, August 6, 2010
What If's
So I guess with everyone coming and going, it's only natural to think of how I got here. Don't get me wrong I love my boys and my life, but I had to make decisions to get here. And I was just wondering how life would be so different if I didn't come home from Europe or if I did continue working on the Mines, or what if I actually got around to my USA travels!! What kind of life would I be leading if I choose differently?
I know some of you might think I'm playing with fire just thinking about, that I might start regretting the decisions I made, but I mean please have your seen my baby he is way too cute to think he could never have existed!! I mean at the end of the day I know I'm happiest when I'm with Robbie and Bryce. But I still have this niggling feeling about the What If's?
If I had stayed on in Europe, in the moment Robbie said if you don't come home with me we have to break up! What if I said I want to stay, what if I followed another dream? Would I still be in Europe? Would I have used my UK Visa more wisely and followed a career in acting? or at least extra work? Would my heart miss Robbie if I stayed? When I got home how different would my friends and family be?
I know this is a bit crazy but this I think is coming because of the huge changes I've just experienced in my life. For a brief moment I had my past and my future in one room and I was at a stand still in my present watching it on the big screen, going over the different paths that happened then and when...
What if I stayed working on the mines? Would I be happy or sad? Would I be making plans to buy a house or would I have already bought one and would that be with Robbie or would I be riding on the solo train? Or would I just be pissing the money up the wall... I know one thing for sure I definitely would have more money, but probably wouldn't have Bryce and ever if I had to choose, I would take Bryce over all the money in the world!!!
Where would I be if I was in the USA, how much fun am I having and what kind of friends do I have? Am I broke? Can I work over there? or am I coming home soon? Do I ring my parents regularly and do Robbie and I still talk?
I know Robbie is in everyone of these scenarios and the reason why is because he has always been part of my adult life, he has been in my life since I was 16 even when we broke up we still talked, so I cannot imagine life without him in any way shape or form.
So the conclusion I'm going to come to is that Robbie and I were meant to be! I mean if he is in everyone of the paths I could have taken, I obviously took the right one. Saying Yes, was the biggest change I could have made and I didn't even know it.
YES brought me to buying a house and getting a dog and having a baby, YES makes me a better person everyday for myself, and YES has let me grow and be a little selfish for me, YES has helped me become me.
We choose our own fate but I think in some strange way our lives have been written out already, it's just up to you, the author the narrator, the illustrator to make sure you pick the right book!
I know some of you might think I'm playing with fire just thinking about, that I might start regretting the decisions I made, but I mean please have your seen my baby he is way too cute to think he could never have existed!! I mean at the end of the day I know I'm happiest when I'm with Robbie and Bryce. But I still have this niggling feeling about the What If's?
If I had stayed on in Europe, in the moment Robbie said if you don't come home with me we have to break up! What if I said I want to stay, what if I followed another dream? Would I still be in Europe? Would I have used my UK Visa more wisely and followed a career in acting? or at least extra work? Would my heart miss Robbie if I stayed? When I got home how different would my friends and family be?
I know this is a bit crazy but this I think is coming because of the huge changes I've just experienced in my life. For a brief moment I had my past and my future in one room and I was at a stand still in my present watching it on the big screen, going over the different paths that happened then and when...
What if I stayed working on the mines? Would I be happy or sad? Would I be making plans to buy a house or would I have already bought one and would that be with Robbie or would I be riding on the solo train? Or would I just be pissing the money up the wall... I know one thing for sure I definitely would have more money, but probably wouldn't have Bryce and ever if I had to choose, I would take Bryce over all the money in the world!!!
Where would I be if I was in the USA, how much fun am I having and what kind of friends do I have? Am I broke? Can I work over there? or am I coming home soon? Do I ring my parents regularly and do Robbie and I still talk?
I know Robbie is in everyone of these scenarios and the reason why is because he has always been part of my adult life, he has been in my life since I was 16 even when we broke up we still talked, so I cannot imagine life without him in any way shape or form.
So the conclusion I'm going to come to is that Robbie and I were meant to be! I mean if he is in everyone of the paths I could have taken, I obviously took the right one. Saying Yes, was the biggest change I could have made and I didn't even know it.
YES brought me to buying a house and getting a dog and having a baby, YES makes me a better person everyday for myself, and YES has let me grow and be a little selfish for me, YES has helped me become me.
We choose our own fate but I think in some strange way our lives have been written out already, it's just up to you, the author the narrator, the illustrator to make sure you pick the right book!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Bryce the first 2 Months
Bryce,
I wrote you a letter for you to read when your older, they say to do that and I imprinted your name in concrete, that one was for me. And I had your feet painted and printed on your birth certificate. I took a photo of you every day for your first month.
I want to make sure I don't miss a thing, these are our memories in the making and records I want to keep. Traditions to be started and up held with any of your other 'future' siblings.
My first born child, every thing about you is so perfect, your beautiful hair and soft skin, those gorgeous blue eyes, your long fingers and toes. Your perfect button nose. I have studied all of your features but no matter how hard I study you change every day. You are becoming more of you, if that makes sense.
I can't believe how quick the first 2 months have gone, your getting so big! Only this morning you giggled for the first time and last Monday is when the smiles that weren't wind started, just amazing, you warm my heart. Your gaze is focusing more and you certainly know who I am, I love that you cry to be with me but it breaks my heart to hear you cry.
Bryce everybody loves you. I love you my son.
You have met your four uncles, your four godparents, your four grandparents, friends and extended family, my friends from overseas, friends with babies and new friends we are making.
Needless to say the last 2 months have been busy and we still haven't caught up with everybody.
We'll get there eventually.
You sleep now, we had a big day out seeing Toy Story 3 and then spending Mummy and Bubby time together this afternoon.
How my life has changed over the last 18months!
Okay, so I know it's been a while and so much has happened. So I'm going to do a quick brief on what had happen in the last 18 months.
Robbie my high school sweet heart and I who had broken up for 6 months in 2008 got back together towards the end of that year, my aim now was for us to buy a house.
In March 2009 Robbie and I bought our very first home, 4 bedrooms, 2 Bathrooms, double garage, big back yard in prime location near shops, schools, gym's and blah blah blah. You know the deal.
One night we watched 'Marley and Me', awesome movie if you haven't watched it already, so this inspired us to get a doggy, so by Easter we had our Blue Heeler pup we called 'Angus'. What a cute little thing he was as well. Still cute but much bigger now. Also we have a black and white cat 'Minx', she belongs to my Dad but he rents and most places don't allow animals and I couldn't bear for her to go to the RSPCA when I have a huge heart and a home for her. So convinced Robbie and that's how we came about the pets in our family.
I was working with Children and Adults with disabilities for a while and whilst I loved the work it is highly demanding physically and mentally. Which really wasn't the problem it was that I wasn't getting the hours and I needed the mula being that we just took out a huge home loan!! SO then I got that job as a drinks stewardess at a certain place I care not to mention but bitched about in my first blog.
As you know I fell pregnant and my first trimester was a hard one with work and morning sickness and let me just say now, quitting that job was the best thing I did. After that I got through the first trimester and found another job just casually working as a sales assistant at a clothing store, nothing strenuous just a cruzy job to make a little dosh and get me out of the house.
Robbie and I had our 19 week scan at the end of January he really wanted to know the sex of the baby but I didn't so of course we didn't find out, but even if we wanted too, turns out our little bliss of happiness had had it's weetbix that day and wouldn't sit still long enough to check out it's bits anyway!!
In February Robbie and I went away on our final holiday just being a couple. We went to Bali, which was to be honest dirty and smelly, great for a cheap holiday and cheap massages. But given on going their or Phuket I go to Phuket again, a lot nicer and the people I think are nicer in Thailand. More value for your buck in Bali but, in the end it's all cheap compared to here.
After that the months started to fly by, I had my prenatal Pilate's and my aqua natal aerobics and my work so I was a busy little bee, then my nesting set in and I was go go go! My Doc said time to slow down, but I was like nah it's all good.
We got to 34 weeks, I just got home after my aqua natal aerobics and I was feeling some pain and after my shower I thought I was in labour so off to the hospital we went. Now they monitored me and said I wasn't having contractions but I was dilated so they kept me in over night just in case. No baby came that night nor did it came for another 4 weeks.
So I'm 38 weeks pregnant and having the worst reflux and heart burn, so I get induced. 5 1/2 hours later and 18 minutes of determined pushing I give birth to a healthy beautiful....
BOY.
We called him Bryce.
Bryce weighed in at 7 pounds 6 ounces. Gorgeous little things, I cried from my overwhelming happiness, I have never experienced such a high before and I can honestly say I never seem Robbie so happy and proud before.
Bryce is my life now, I can't believe how much I love this little person, every thing he does makes me proud from his spew to his poo.
I look in the mirror now and I don't see myself, or someone lost, I see Bryce's mum, the person who is going to care for him his entire life and carry him on my shoulders. I love every moment with him, sometimes I barely sleep just because I want to watch him sleep.
He is my pride and joy, nothing can ever compare to that feeling of giving birth, nothing can scare me out of doing it all of again because it is just so worth it when you get to hold you baby for the very first time.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Life with my 1st trimester
SO so so, everyone thinks they know what's best for you when your pregnant. And everyone kind of wants to steal that glory you received for procreating. I wonder if it's because they want the attention, or that some one did it to them or that they're just being plain old vindictive!
So first I felt that I had to quit my job because when I told them I was pregnant and that I didn't feel comfortable to push a heavy drinks trolley due to a previous miscarriage, they treated me like a burden. Instead of the euphoria most people experience, I was feeling like I was a let down to everyone, because I wanted to keep healthy and take precautions so I wouldn't have to experience the emotional and physical pain of going through a miscarriage.
If you think by explaining my concern to a supervisor or manager and that I was understood and they felt empathy for me...wrong. I got pulled up by a supervisor after a not so good night with morning sickness to have my opinions criticised. This 'no offence' male supervisor gave me his personal opinions on how it's not as bad as I was making it out to be, and surely I can do the trolley. And that my attitude towards my boss and the company was biased. I had him yabbing on for half and hour. I finally got to the point where I said to this man, that it sounded like he was making excuses and blowing everything way out of proportion which he responded saying 'their goes my attitude again'.
What a complete douche right! After the conversation I decided to report it to HR, because this was kind of like the final cherry on the cake for me, see when I told my boss I was pregnant I thought that being such a private and personal thing that it would be confidential. Well as soon as he got off the phone he told staff members and soon I was being treated like an alien because it inconvenienced them if I couldn't push the trolley. Seems pathetic and way too dramatic for what it really is.
Now HR being there to help the employee really just said that it wasn't a big deal and everyone is fine for me to continue with a medical certificate. The Supervisor involved got a warning, just a slap on the wrist and the manager well didn't get anything. So I did what they all wanted me to do quit. By this point I felt uncomfortable going to work, and every time I was there I would be questioned or harassed by someone. Plus my morning sickness was really preventing me from actually getting into work in the first place, so I quit.
It really isn't pleasant when you don't have support in the work place, now the reason things got so bad is because I'm not a sitting duck, I stirred the pot by defending myself. I wasn't the only pregnant person in the history of the work place, in fact their was a woman who was 7 months pregnant at the time and she didn't have to push the trolley through her entire pregnancy and no one treated her like a burden.
So that is my experience with work so far in my 1st trimester.
So first I felt that I had to quit my job because when I told them I was pregnant and that I didn't feel comfortable to push a heavy drinks trolley due to a previous miscarriage, they treated me like a burden. Instead of the euphoria most people experience, I was feeling like I was a let down to everyone, because I wanted to keep healthy and take precautions so I wouldn't have to experience the emotional and physical pain of going through a miscarriage.
If you think by explaining my concern to a supervisor or manager and that I was understood and they felt empathy for me...wrong. I got pulled up by a supervisor after a not so good night with morning sickness to have my opinions criticised. This 'no offence' male supervisor gave me his personal opinions on how it's not as bad as I was making it out to be, and surely I can do the trolley. And that my attitude towards my boss and the company was biased. I had him yabbing on for half and hour. I finally got to the point where I said to this man, that it sounded like he was making excuses and blowing everything way out of proportion which he responded saying 'their goes my attitude again'.
What a complete douche right! After the conversation I decided to report it to HR, because this was kind of like the final cherry on the cake for me, see when I told my boss I was pregnant I thought that being such a private and personal thing that it would be confidential. Well as soon as he got off the phone he told staff members and soon I was being treated like an alien because it inconvenienced them if I couldn't push the trolley. Seems pathetic and way too dramatic for what it really is.
Now HR being there to help the employee really just said that it wasn't a big deal and everyone is fine for me to continue with a medical certificate. The Supervisor involved got a warning, just a slap on the wrist and the manager well didn't get anything. So I did what they all wanted me to do quit. By this point I felt uncomfortable going to work, and every time I was there I would be questioned or harassed by someone. Plus my morning sickness was really preventing me from actually getting into work in the first place, so I quit.
It really isn't pleasant when you don't have support in the work place, now the reason things got so bad is because I'm not a sitting duck, I stirred the pot by defending myself. I wasn't the only pregnant person in the history of the work place, in fact their was a woman who was 7 months pregnant at the time and she didn't have to push the trolley through her entire pregnancy and no one treated her like a burden.
So that is my experience with work so far in my 1st trimester.
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